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What We Get Wrong About Politics

Here I am, 1:24 am. Just 3 days ago my husband announced that he was throwing his hat in the ring for our State Legislator, representing our Anchorage District 15 as a write-in candidate. Never did I think this would happen. Never did I imagine the circumstances that would lead up to such a nail-biting race as this. If you’re interested and want to read more, you can google it or go to his campaign page. 

But in all the whirl of activity, I catch a quiet moment and I have to think about the why questions. I have this incessant need to draw deeper to understand what is really happening as the external world around me is spinning. 

It’s hard to keep up with the world, national and local news cycle— all the controversies, the boycotts, the people who are “incensed” about something or other. Not saying there’s nothing to be incensed about, but it can get overwhelming after a while. We can get fatigued from being expected to care about everything. 

There are a lot of normal people walking around who are just trying to mind their own business and get on with their peaceful lives. These are what I call the “white gloved” citizens. They don’t want to get into an argument and risk hurting someone’s feelings. Seeing all that is happening can put us on overload— the passionate pleas of people around us to share this thing, get involved in this other thing, or participate in one campaign or another. 

On the other side of the spectrum, politics can be a little addictive. We could call these people the “boxing gloved” citizens. You’re getting involved, you’re uncovering bad guys and fighting for the good. You’re feeling like you identify with the significance of what you are doing. You feel the triumph and defeat. You feel a little scared, yet a little more “woke” and alive. People get involved in politics for different reasons. You get a little of the good mixed with the bad, not usually in equal portions. 

Politics is messy because it involves people. So you may lean more white gloved or more boxing gloved naturally. I know what it’s like to be the former, and now I am learning to ride the wave of the latter.

I want to use this opportunity to clear up some things I think we get wrong about politics. Those places where the mud turns into quicksand.

One big thing we need to keep at the forefront of our minds is that the government isn’t everything. 

I know it sounds too simple, but if more people knew this, we’d have far fewer problems. I say this knowing that the government may be my life’s focus over the next two months or more. I say this knowing that people live and die based on some of the governments actions or inactions. The government is important, but it cannot be everything. 

Most of the “white gloved” people who “stay out of politics” understand this principle. These people know that their families matter. They know that their churches, schools, and communities matter. They know that they can make a difference at their job or right where they live. I believe that these people make up the vast majority of people. They are just people trying to make their lives work the best they know how. 

We have this handy dandy little doc called the Constitution that spells out exactly why the government exists and what it should not do. The Bill of Rights outlines the freedoms that the government should always protect. We know that the three branches of government are supposed to stay in their lane and do their best to make sure that the government keeps doing what it is supposed to do and not doing what it’s not supposed to do. 

What we don’t always talk about enough is this the softer side of politics: the people. We have a government that is BY the people, OF the people and FOR the people—but the government does not replace The People. The People are the People. We so often forget this very simple but profound component of any good society: What the government does not do, we as individuals are supposed to be doing. All activity that surrounds and supports this principle is what I call “cultural cultivating.” We could call this the “green glove” of society. Many kinds of institutions participate with us as individuals in the cultivating of our culture. Arts and entertainment, media, education, business, religion— all of these enterprises shape and mold our culture. Each and every one of us, what we do in our everyday lives, from minute to minute shapes and cultivates something within that culture. Every dollar we spend promotes something and de-emphasizes something else. Every click on a website, or like on social media is like a chisel exposing the cultural edifice we are creating together. 

And here’s where we sometimes get mixed up on the dance we do between us as citizens cultivating culture, and the relationship with have with our literal or “hard” government. The culture is the “soft” governing force that is actually much more powerful than the brute strength of elected officials. So often we want our government to reflect the art of what we are creating with our lives. We want the government to  look like us, act like us, and talk like us— to be a mirror image of ourselves. But our particular government was never designed to do that. In fact, when we look for cultural ideals for our government to implement, the original intention of our government is thwarted. It’s like trying to expect a boat to fly us to the moon or the family dog to cook our meals just like Mom. Only in Neverland, my friend, only in Neverland. 

Often, our attitude toward government can reflect the responsibility or lack of personal responsibility we take to cultivate our own culture. For example, if we want something done, we scream for a law to be made to make people conform to the culture we want. Instead of taking time to cultivate it ourselves, we want to legislate it. When we have a problem that needs to be solved, we automatically look to the government to fix it effectively and efficiently. Because that idea has worked so well for us in the past…right… 

Or, we can err on the other side: we don’t trust the government to do anything at all and so we withdraw our support from all government related issues and stand on the sidelines, mocking and shaking our heads. We conclude that politicians are all a bunch of liars and power mongers. We push off the responsibility for the state our nation is in to all the bad politicians and conveniently away from ourselves.

Sometimes we think we are “rising above” all the muck of politics, when we are really just abdicating our own important role. Instead of “rising above,” I suggest going underneath. The fruit on top of the tree is obvious. When we rise above, it’s easy to see the fruit. But it’s what’s underneath that makes the fruit rotten or sweet. Up above, we may enjoy a little more fresh air and distance from the mess, but we will not impact the tree unless we get underneath. It is only by going into the soil and cultivating our culture in active ways, will we begin to see the fruit begin to change. 

How is it that we can so categorically shift all the blame for what’s in our culture to a political figure or a celebrity or a corporation? The cultural cultivating is ours to bear. If a tweet from a political figure can rip your community apart, then the individuals in the community have abdicated their role of cultivation a long time ago. 

Our communities need to look away from the government and empower ourselves. Once we can empower ourselves to bring solutions to the problems we face in the here and now, then we can enter into this dance with the government as a strong partner. 

Let me spell it out a little bit clearer. Some things the government can do, other things you and I are especially equipped to do. Here are just a few. 

The government’s job: Protecting speech, making laws, protecting religious expression and diversity of thought, promoting security and tranquility, spending the money we allocate to spend to benefit the people. 

Our job: cultivating speech that is beneficial, choosing our own beneficial religious expression, choosing to think and educate ourselves, helping provide safety to ourselves and those around us, and holding elected officials responsible for handling our money well. 

Neither list is exhaustive. What would be on your list? I want to get you thinking, not to do your thinking for you.

Our relationship with public servants is going to have to change for things to get better. I know that sometimes it takes a crisis to get people to get out and get involved. Maybe instead of reacting to crisis, we need to change our value system to always being mindful of our communities and the part we play in them. Our representatives need us to help them think and ask the right questions and have the quality conversations. As we demand more of them, we also need to demand more of ourselves: to put more into our role as cultivators and curators of thought, to educate one another and our children— to seek truth and clear the way for the truth to be heard. 

Next time you have a political conversation, stop and think. Is this the job of culture or is the this the role of government or both? Now go put on your green gloves. You can start by engaging in a brave conversation. 

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We’re Not Fighting, We’re Discussing! (How to recognize the difference between a debate, a discussion, and a fight.) 

We’ve all avoided conversations or steered it another direction because we were afraid that the conversation would get out of hand and become destructive to the relationship. Many of us have heard our parents getting heated over something and we’ve said, “Why are you guys fighting?” Then we hear back, “We’re not fighting, we’re discussing!” 

All of us have different thresholds for intense conversations. But what are the real markers of whether or not a conversation is going “out of bounds” and no longer moving the people towards understanding and connection? After all, we don’t want to pursue brave conversations if we think they are going to be destructive or a waste of time. 

I’m convinced more and more that an understanding of boundaries is key to our ability to have not just debates, but real, productive dialogues and discussions.

The goal of the debate is to “win” which means that the conversation partners are, by definition, opponents. In a debate, each partner is trying to defeat the other by means of a combination of logic and rhetoric. Debates are common in American culture. So common that we believe that it is impossible to have a conversation about something controversial without a debate. It is common to see debates among people who presumably should have extended knowledge and expertise on a subject. Politicians, religious leaders and other public figures can debate in a public place to represent the views of many and to rally people to their cause.  They are challenged to produce valid information to prove to everyone that they know their stuff. 

Many people do not like debates because they don’t feel qualified, equipped, or invested enough in a topic to engage in it at that level. They are rightfully afraid of being defeated and shamed. Therefore, many steer clear of all conversations that might become a debate.

But there is a different way to engage in important, though controversial topics. And that method is called discussion. Unlike the fighting parents who insist that they are “discussing,” real discussion has some key elements that move us forward in culture and in relationship. When you know the elements of discussion vs. debate, you can follow these ground rules and bow out when the discussion becomes more of a debate or an outright fight. 

By contrast to a debate, with the goal being to win, the goal of a discussion is connection and understanding. Whether this conversation is being done one on one or in a group, the goal is mutual understanding of the other person’s stream of logic and the meanings of the words and phrases that they use. You will know someone is ready for a discussion when they have a value for you as a person as much as they have a value for their own opinions. Common ground is sought and built upon. Often, new ideas will spring forth from a discussion as possible solutions to the problem at hand. 

While debates may be appropriate for politicians and other public figures, discussions should be the preferred mode in day to day life. Discussions make up the fabric of a peace loving society and can help provide solutions to very real and troubling dilemmas. Discussions can also involve high emotions. Discussions can be quiet or loud, so don’t judge a conversation by it’s volume. People have different cultural ways that they engage in discussion. Another important element of a discussion is that it acknowledges the human dignity of each individual no matter what level of education, racial background, or experience. 

There is a third ugly type of conversation that we should be willing to acknowledge. Sometimes, without realizing it, our conversations devolve into verbal fights. Debates can easily sink to this level through tactics such as name calling, threatening, and devaluing the humanity or dignity of individual. When people stop listening, debates and even discussions can sink into the territory of verbal altercations. Fights, though some forms are and should remain protected under the first amendment, are rarely productive. Any time we see fights ensue in the media or in our own lives, it is time to call “foul.” I am incensed when I hear fighting language such as the dehumanizing of an individual in a so called “intellectual debate” and then I hear the audience respond with applauding. No matter how much we agree with the offender of the cheap shot, applauding behavior like this does nothing to help society or to encourage serious thought. We should require our political pundits, politicians, and other thought leaders to work harder to maintain our respect in the public arena. In the same way, when we choose to rise above such tactics ourselves, we can slowly create a better world. 

So the next time you feel afraid that you’re getting swept into a debate, don’t run away or put up your dukes. Instead, ask the person if they are willing to engage with you in a respectful conversation. If you are unsure how to navigate such a conversation, bring along a friend who knows how to disagree peaceably. Then feel free to end the conversation if it becomes disrespectful or if your partner stops listening. Don’t let your voice be silenced just because of fear. Your perspective, your voice, your opinion matters. 

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5 Ways You Might Be Messing Up Your Conversations

Continuing in our conversation about conversation, I’ll call this a “meta-conversation.” It’s the act of talking about how we talk to one another. It may sound unnecessary, but when you think about it, what could be more important than growing in the art of conversation? Conversations have consequences. Conversations create reality.

The absence of conversation also has consequences. If neighborhoods and communities don’t talk, the culture at large will do our talking for us. When you watch TV a conversation is being had, only the conversation is one sided: you are being talked AT not talked WITH. You are a passive recipient of the conversation– yet the conversation is affecting you nonetheless.

In my last post, I talked about whether you were predisposed toward bravery in your conversations. Today, I want to explore how to think about each conversation you’ve just had. Think about your last conversation. How effective was it? Did you really stayed engaged and “brave” in this conversation?

Here is a little handy acronym to help you remember that after each conversation you can check yourself with these questions “I MUSE.”

As a verb, to muse is to consider something thoughtfully. As a noun, it means a person who is a source of artistic inspiration. In mythology, the Muses were nine goddesses who symbolized the arts and sciences. Today, a muse is often a person who serves as an artist’s inspiration.

When an interaction with a muse comes to mind, it denotes an interaction with another individual that then inspires something new to be formed. If you are engaging as a true artist in the art of the Brave Conversation, you will take whatever muse that is in front of you, whomever you have invited into the conversation, and you will expect inspiration to occur from that conversation. And you will expect that something new and beautiful will have been birthed from that conversation. 

  • Intentional Invitation: Did I intentionally invite the other person into the conversation with his or her whole self? Did I truly begin with the intention of understanding the other person and learning from him/her? Was I looking for “the exchange?” 
  • Maintaining Moral Integrity: Did I maintain intellectual consistency and apply the same moral principles to myself that I do to others? Did I ask questions of clarification when I did not understand?
  • Using my Voice: Was I able to stand in my convictions despite another’s view of me or reaction to me? Was I able to articulate my viewpoints and emotions while remaining respectful? Was I able to stand in my own skin and invite my own authentic voice to the table?
  • Savoring the Exchange: Did we come to new ideas, new concepts, or new revelations together? Was there an authentic spiritual or intellectual exchange? Did I gain something that can never be taken from me? 
  • Engaging Empathy: Was I able to step out of my own perspective long enough to truly hear and enter into their full perspective? Did I realize that I am not as different from this person as I may have thought? 

By contrast, the conversation that does not live up to the brave conversation litmus test might have these pitfalls embedded somewhere within. Perhaps you’ll have more insight seeing where your conversational weaknesses lie.

Intention Fail

  • You felt obligated to have the conversation, therefore you did not fully consider to invite the other person to the table fully. You were not ready to listen with an open heart.
  • You invited the other person, but you had a pre-drawn conclusion of how you wanted the interaction to go. You needed the person to respond in a certain way. Therefore, you were not willing to interact with the authentic person. 

Moral Integrity Fail 

  • You espoused convictions that you did not honestly and equally apply to yourself.
  • You disengaged from the difficulties of the conversation. 
  • You were not willing to allow the conversation to change you.
  • Instead of asking for clarification when you disagreed, you changed the subject, disengaged, or became defensive or dismissive.

Failure to Use Your Voice

  • You lost your voice and did not speak up when you sensed possible conflict.
  • You nodded your head when you did not understand or agree. 
  • You were intimidated by the knowledge, experience or intellect of the person and disengaged because of your own felt inadequacies. 
  • You were not open with the person about how you were feeling in the moment. 

Failure to Savor the Exchange

  • No new discoveries. Very little significant exchange.

Empathy Fail

  • It was too difficult for you to put yourself in the shoes or perspective of your conversation partner. 
  • You became defensive rather than first seeking to understand. 

Failures are not really true failures in that they are opportunities to learn. Some people you may find are not really ready for a brave conversation themselves, and you will find that all you can do is remain open to having one if and when that person is ready. Don’t beat yourself up for ending a conversation and coming short in any of these areas. My hope is that in your pursuit of Brave Conversations, your eyes will be open to more and more people that have the ability to change your life for the better. I also hope that by staying present and fully engaged in your conversations, you will also be one that will bring life, challenge, and understanding into all the people you may engage. Together we can change the world, one brave conversation at a time. 

Continue the conversation with me! Where do you find that you struggle most in your conversations? Where are you strong? What will you do to make your next conversation better?

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Are you predisposed toward Brave Conversations?

In case you don’t regularly keep up with me on social media or read my blog, the concept of having intentionally meaningful conversations as often as possible is transforming my life and I’m becoming more” I know when I’ve been having one, and even though they may be scary, I crave more of them. With all this talk about Brave Conversations, I thought I’d better come through for you on defining what a brave conversation is. How to know if you’ve really engaged in a brave conversation. Also, with all the buzzword chasing that happening in our society, how do we know if we who live by the brave conversation commitment are holding true to our words. I’d hate for all this Brave Conversation talk to digress into an elegant way to be a hypocrite.

Questions to ask yourself to evaluate whether you have been seeking and sustaining Brave Conversations. Are you in fact, a brave conversationalist? Here are seven good questions to initiate this conversation with yourself.

  1. Have I intentionally started a conversation with someone who I disagree with, am intimidated by, or who do not share my social status?
  2. Am I truly inviting the other person to bring their full self into the conversation, with their most honest opinions and perspectives?
  3. Am I able to bring my full self into the conversation, refusing to nod unless I agree, stopping to challenge assumptions, both theirs and my own?
  4. Do I consistently take the time and risk to ask for clarification when I don’t fully understand instead of changing the subject or pretending I do understand?
  5. Do I remain engaged when the conversation turns to controversy even when it might jeopardize my social or professional standing?
  6. Do I remain emotionally present with everyone, proactively sharing my emotions and vulnerabilities with those who have earned that trust?
  7. Do I truly believe that I have something to learn from every human being I encounter?

If you want to be one who shifts culture, one conversation at a time, join our free Brave Conversations private Facebook group!

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How Your Conversations Shape Your Life (bringing back the old-time salons)

Salons have not always been known as places that specialize in hair and beauty. Once upon a time, salons were important influencers in culture and politics. The Wikipedia definition of a Salon is “a gathering of people under a roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine the taste and increase the knowledge of the participants through conversation.”

Influential women of the 1700s and in other periods of history would host these salons in their homes even when they had no votes and no formal power of any sort. They were inviting philosophers and artist and writers and other influencers of their time to have conversations. They would gather around food and drink and art and the host would suggest a topic to discuss. But the whole of the event centered around the beauty and transformative power of the Conversation. These women quietly, but effectively shifted culture around the intentional pursuit of powerful conversations.

The art of conversation has all but been lost in this generation. Instead of talking we are more familiar with watching passively. Instead of forming connections, we are accustomed to merely forming judgements. But people still crave the conversation. We still need it.

We don’t need just any conversation. We need to talk most about the things that scare us most. We need to come out from behind our labels and our personal branding and be honest about our struggles. We need to be open enough to utter the words, “I don’t know,” and, “Here is why I disagree with you.” Even more, we need to learn to master the art of asking great questions. Men need to get beyond the sports and shop talk and women need to go beyond wedding and baby showers. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with showers or sports, there’s just so much more.

I have a dream that having conversations would come back in style. That gathering around real issues, real stories, and real people would happen more often. I want to see modern day salons gathering not just in the homes of wealthy women as they did centuries ago, but in coffee shops and churches and regular living rooms.

Entering into a purposeful and inspiring conversation can have a transformative effect on our lives.

Here’s five things a Real Conversation can do:

1. Conversation connects.

Addictive behaviors stem from a lack of connection. Depression is born of a lack of connection. The reason Starbucks is what it is today is not because they offer coffee. It’s because they really are in the connection and conversation business. There is nothing our human souls crave more than a face to face conversation.

2. Conversation increases the value and dignity of human beings.

People need to be invited to a “table of conversation.” They need to know that their personal experiences, their viewpoints, their voice matters. In a real conversation there is as much listening a there is speaking. There is a validation of the human experience. Studies have shown that talking about a personal experience and sharing a struggle validates that experience like nothing else can. It does more to bring healing and wholeness than many drugs or other therapies.

3. Conversation increases intelligence.

We are much smarter when we consider the opinions and experiences of others alongside our own. We are exposed to ideas we’ve never before considered and as we immerse ourselves in the conversation experience, we become more informed and more aware.

4. Conversation challenges.

Along with new information and new ideas, we find ourselves challenged with the choice of adopting new paradigms. And here’s the rub: because most people want to have better connections and they want to be more intelligent, but most people don’t want to consider that the concepts they encounter might actually demand a response to live differently, to take responsibility for a new aspect of their lives. A person who never wants to grow and change will not come back for another brave conversation. But people who are looking for growth at every turn are hungry to have the conversations that few are willing to have.

5. Conversation shifts culture.

Certain cultural buzzwords and euphemisms may annoy you. But the reality is that the use of these words was initiated by people who were invested in the conversation. If you don’t like the way that our cultural conversation is being framed, then begin having your own conversations and begin using the words that you think will make a difference. Many think that talk is cheap, but it’s only cheap when we are having counterfeit conversations. For conversation to have meaning, it must be felt, fully entered into, and fully owned. Authentic conversations are not cheap. They come at the cost of vulnerability. But Authentic Conversations change the world.

What’s the next conversation you need to have?