Are you predisposed toward Brave Conversations?

In case you don’t regularly keep up with me on social media or read my blog, the concept of having intentionally meaningful conversations as often as possible is transforming my life and I’m becoming more” I know when I’ve been having one, and even though they may be scary, I crave more of them. With all this talk about Brave Conversations, I thought I’d better come through for you on defining what a brave conversation is. How to know if you’ve really engaged in a brave conversation. Also, with all the buzzword chasing that happening in our society, how do we know if we who live by the brave conversation commitment are holding true to our words. I’d hate for all this Brave Conversation talk to digress into an elegant way to be a hypocrite.

Questions to ask yourself to evaluate whether you have been seeking and sustaining Brave Conversations. Are you in fact, a brave conversationalist? Here are seven good questions to initiate this conversation with yourself.

  1. Have I intentionally started a conversation with someone who I disagree with, am intimidated by, or who do not share my social status?
  2. Am I truly inviting the other person to bring their full self into the conversation, with their most honest opinions and perspectives?
  3. Am I able to bring my full self into the conversation, refusing to nod unless I agree, stopping to challenge assumptions, both theirs and my own?
  4. Do I consistently take the time and risk to ask for clarification when I don’t fully understand instead of changing the subject or pretending I do understand?
  5. Do I remain engaged when the conversation turns to controversy even when it might jeopardize my social or professional standing?
  6. Do I remain emotionally present with everyone, proactively sharing my emotions and vulnerabilities with those who have earned that trust?
  7. Do I truly believe that I have something to learn from every human being I encounter?

If you want to be one who shifts culture, one conversation at a time, join our free Brave Conversations private Facebook group!

What’s Up with Distancing Ourselves from People Who Don’t Agree?

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in society… one that goes pretty much without being questioned. It is one of those cultural practices that gets imbedded in to the fabric of society. I see it in the entertainment industry, among people of faith, and in the political realm.

It all starts with some kind of behavior or point of view that we consider unacceptable. Such behavior is not new, we have run into it throughout history. In the days of the Spanish inquisition it was what the church deemed as “heresy.” For the Salem witch trials, it was any behavior or suspicion of the practice of “witchcraft.” In the McCarthy era, it was anyone who could possibly be associated with “communism.” There was so much fear around these unacceptable ideas that people were blacklisted and treated as if they had a plague for even being associated with people who might be associated with such ideas.

They were ostracized and sometimes even killed, whether or not they truly were communists and witches or heretics. And so, because of the pandemic fear in larger society of certain brands of evil, we made grave mistakes. In an effort to uproot possible “monsters” of deception or harm, we in turn, became the monsters ourselves. Hot button words like “communist or heretic” would push those buttons of fear in people. When others were labeled with these words, the stain was hard to erase, no matter how true it was.

Today, we are passionate about certain issues, as many of them we should be. There is real truth that we desire to protect. Our hot button issues and buzzwords have changed. Now these might include words like, “racist, homophobic, and misogynist.As much as we despise the viewpoints that some people with that label might have, ostracizing and blacklisting people is not going to solve the problem. It feels good and safer to distance ourselves from people that we deeply disagree with— the only problem is that when we distance ourselves, we unintentionally deepen the grooves of division and strife within our nation.

If we are not willing to engage in conversations with people that we think are “the problem” how will the problems we perceive ever be solved? Are we so weak minded that we are afraid that their racism or misogyny or homophobia will “get on” us as if it is a disease to be caught? If there was a word for the fear of being labeled as such, I’m sure it would apply here. If our ideals have any strength at all, they will surely stand even when tested in the crucible of brave conversations.

Yes, there is risk in reaching out to someone who is different from you. You may yourself be labeled as something you’re not. You may be considered a heretic, whatever heresy may mean in your circles. But I encourage you to ignore the labels and to keep engaging the “other side” intentionally and deliberately.

Facebook won’t show you how to do it. In fact, most social media platforms will lead you away from it. In a world of likes and affirming emojis, we prefer to only have conversations with people who are nodding their heads and giving us the thumbs up. But it’s the conversations where silence ensues and where there is a furrowed brow that really invoke change. There is pain in change. Change goes both ways. We have to invest in change, willing to be the first to change if we discover inconsistencies within ourselves. So today, I plead with you, stop distancing and start a purposeful, intentional, brave conversation.

To join our private conversation group, ask to join here.

How Your Conversations Shape Your Life (bringing back the old-time salons)

Salons have not always been known as places that specialize in hair and beauty. Once upon a time, salons were important influencers in culture and politics. The Wikipedia definition of a Salon is “a gathering of people under a roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine the taste and increase the knowledge of the participants through conversation.”

Influential women of the 1700s and in other periods of history would host these salons in their homes even when they had no votes and no formal power of any sort. They were inviting philosophers and artist and writers and other influencers of their time to have conversations. They would gather around food and drink and art and the host would suggest a topic to discuss. But the whole of the event centered around the beauty and transformative power of the Conversation. These women quietly, but effectively shifted culture around the intentional pursuit of powerful conversations.

The art of conversation has all but been lost in this generation. Instead of talking we are more familiar with watching passively. Instead of forming connections, we are accustomed to merely forming judgements. But people still crave the conversation. We still need it.

We don’t need just any conversation. We need to talk most about the things that scare us most. We need to come out from behind our labels and our personal branding and be honest about our struggles. We need to be open enough to utter the words, “I don’t know,” and, “Here is why I disagree with you.” Even more, we need to learn to master the art of asking great questions. Men need to get beyond the sports and shop talk and women need to go beyond wedding and baby showers. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with showers or sports, there’s just so much more.

I have a dream that having conversations would come back in style. That gathering around real issues, real stories, and real people would happen more often. I want to see modern day salons gathering not just in the homes of wealthy women as they did centuries ago, but in coffee shops and churches and regular living rooms.

Entering into a purposeful and inspiring conversation can have a transformative effect on our lives.

Here’s five things a Real Conversation can do:

1. Conversation connects.

Addictive behaviors stem from a lack of connection. Depression is born of a lack of connection. The reason Starbucks is what it is today is not because they offer coffee. It’s because they really are in the connection and conversation business. There is nothing our human souls crave more than a face to face conversation.

2. Conversation increases the value and dignity of human beings.

People need to be invited to a “table of conversation.” They need to know that their personal experiences, their viewpoints, their voice matters. In a real conversation there is as much listening a there is speaking. There is a validation of the human experience. Studies have shown that talking about a personal experience and sharing a struggle validates that experience like nothing else can. It does more to bring healing and wholeness than many drugs or other therapies.

3. Conversation increases intelligence.

We are much smarter when we consider the opinions and experiences of others alongside our own. We are exposed to ideas we’ve never before considered and as we immerse ourselves in the conversation experience, we become more informed and more aware.

4. Conversation challenges.

Along with new information and new ideas, we find ourselves challenged with the choice of adopting new paradigms. And here’s the rub: because most people want to have better connections and they want to be more intelligent, but most people don’t want to consider that the concepts they encounter might actually demand a response to live differently, to take responsibility for a new aspect of their lives. A person who never wants to grow and change will not come back for another brave conversation. But people who are looking for growth at every turn are hungry to have the conversations that few are willing to have.

5. Conversation shifts culture.

Certain cultural buzzwords and euphemisms may annoy you. But the reality is that the use of these words was initiated by people who were invested in the conversation. If you don’t like the way that our cultural conversation is being framed, then begin having your own conversations and begin using the words that you think will make a difference. Many think that talk is cheap, but it’s only cheap when we are having counterfeit conversations. For conversation to have meaning, it must be felt, fully entered into, and fully owned. Authentic conversations are not cheap. They come at the cost of vulnerability. But Authentic Conversations change the world.

What’s the next conversation you need to have?